Thinking here lately......yes I know, what's up with that? Running into some of the ghosts that haunt my past and wondering......and realizing that I have changed alot in the past few years, and not always for the better. I used to be one of those people that didn't care about a thing. Not a care in the world, and I definitely never cared what people thought. I used to have this independence and attitude that only I possessed, that alot of people thought was awesome and made me who I am. I had tattoos, I had piercings....I didn't care what others thought. So what happened? Honestly, I have no clue. I just kind of fell into the norm. I think alot of this has stemmed from past relationships. Eh. Talk about a blast from the past. It's like I can't make up my mind about things. I constantly change my mind, but almost always go back to what I had originally decided. The last 2 relationships I have been in involved talk of marriage. I don't think I want to get married yet, and that's the name of that tune. ALL of my exes are now married with children, and i'm not. Guess we had different agendas. I have been told that I have the capability of ruining a man, but looks to me like they are doing just fine. Lets not even get on the subject of children.... Now I am labeled with a curse. If you date Michelle, and she breaks your heart, you'll get married and get the new girl pregnant. Great.
I wanted to quit school to keep working full time and keep making that money! Well, here I am at 24, back in school trying to do the damn thing. I haven't gotten any more tattoos or done anything even remotely crazy in a while. All my tattoos have a story behind them that most people don't know. It's like I have no stories anymore. My life is no longer interesting and I have found my way into the normal people group. I even was thinking for a while that I should get married in the white dress with the family present......la la la. No. Funny thing how your 90 year old grandma has to remind you that you are the different one in the family, and that's not your style. Thanks Grandma.
Marriage hits a sore spot with me. I see happy people, I see unhappy people pretending to be happy, and then people who don't care and will argue in front of anyone. The statistics on marriage and divorce are incredible. I have never been a statistic, and I don't plan on starting now. Hell, even one of my exes is already divorced, and we broke up in 2002. Oh how time flies. Marriage is just a relationship with a piece of paper nowadays. No need to rush. If you want your name on property and other assets, marriage is not a requirement.
Along with all of this independence, I was a man hater. Don't get me wrong, I have a weakness for good looking men, but again, I really could have cared less about them or their purpose. I think I liked myself alot more then. I want to get back on the road to not caring. I was the go to girl for all boy related advice. I say boy because, I have yet to meet a real "man". Now I find myself confiding to my sister from another mother, Yanna. Her ass is the size of a medicine ball, and she has a huge personality that can take over a room in an instant. She is a few years older than me, and I can only hope to be more like her one day....minus the ass part. She always knows just what to say and shed light into whatever situation I have for her. I have a feeling we will be friends until the day we day. I am so lucky to have her in my life.
I have no idea what gave me the idea to write all this today. Today was just one of those days when I looked in the mirror and decided this isn't where I was supposed to be, and things need to change.
On a lighter note. School is yuck. I barely passed my last Calculus test and for some reason school is just not going my way this semester. I haven't had a 4.0 GPA in who knows how long. I really hope to do much better next semester. My sis came to visit me and it was good to see her for those .993 seconds. I have to work this weekend, and although money is nice, I would much rather not work part time. Call me lazy, but I am either all the way or nothing at all. There isn't a part time bone in my body. I've been thinking about heading back to the bookstore and picking up some new books to read. After reading the Tucker Max book, I know that I am not myself anymore. I could very well be the female version of him. Not to a "t" but very close. I miss those days, and I am looking forward to having them back.
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